For shame

I have a rich sewing heritage. I made a drawstring bag, once, made a lumpyish tie quilt, and screwed up many pieces of a chair in an upholstery class in college; everything had to be either fixed or redone by my teacher or Steph. But my mom made many prom dresses, many easter dresses, various and sundry valances, and could certainly mend anything that crossed her path. I think she even knows how to darn socks, for crying out loud. Grandma M certainly knows how to darn socks, (which, it's amazing to consider that we once kept our socks instead of going to Target and buying 15 new pairs sewn by Chinese children for $3.99), in addition to being able to sew and repair anything quickly and with great skill. I think probably 80% of Renate's wardrobe was made by her two hands, and that includes pants and jackets and blouses, and they do not look like a home-ec special. Grandma T made, among other things, matching flannel nightgowns for me and my dolls, aprons, potholders, and Bean is only running a sewing business.

So you'll see why I am so ashamed that I took my new coat and 2 fallen-off buttons and the 3 barely hanging on to the nice Asian ladies at Fashion Tailors and paid ten dollars (TEN dollars) to have them sewn on.

Places to visit in France & Italy

France:

1. Sainte-Maxime en Provence. Looks like it might be less glamorous than St. Tropez or Cannes, which is certainly appealing, but we'll get the Côte d'Azur vibe.

2. Colline Du Chateau. In or near Nice.

3. Marseilles: Notre-Dame de la Garde and Chateau d'If. Seems like that would be exciting for Dad. Sadly, I think we will be too early for the lavender - looks like summer is its season. It would be great if we could even get a taste of how gorgeous it looks and smells. This little town Valensole seems to be a good place to start.

4. 50 things to do in Paris. We can skip the alcohol- and underwear-related ones (and the Eiffel Tower, if you ask me, though I don't know if I can get out of that - I think a view from the car or the sidewalk would be fine with me). I vote yes on numbers: 11, 20, 22, 27, 30 & 38. Versailles sounds like a serious sensory overload time-eater, so I'm okay skipping it, and a big no thank you to Les Catacombes and going near any Hermes or Vuitton stores where we will look like the big Americans we are. Oh, and yes on picnicking and people-watching somewhere along the Seine, maybe where the Contessa and Captain Awkward had their little tomatoes and wine. And of course the Louvre, but not for more than 1 day.

Italy:

1. Capri. Hopefully it's an easy and inexpensive trip over from the boot (maybe involving a ferry?) and we can squeeze it in.

2. Seeing an opera in Italy. Could be a clothing problem and a pipe dream, especially with our lame weak dollar, but oh my. Could we see Otello, even? Boo, no. If only we were going in December, oh my gosh, I would die. But on Thursday, March 20th, if I am reading this half-translated by Google page right, there is a performance of Mozart's Requiem in Florence at the Teatro Verdi. That could be amazing. I can't tell if there are tickets available, but oh my. That is an overwhelmingly exciting possibility.

3. Other things to do in Florence (Firenze): Baptistery.

More to come . . .

Hot tip

There are few things I love more than folding clean sheets, as you know, but I do it in kind of a complicated way that tends to make people's eyes glaze over when I try to explain it. Also, it requires the back of a sofa.

So this girl has a great photo instruction sheet on how to make a perfect little flat package. She also has a cat on her bed while she's doing it, which . . . I love cats (even a new orange one not unlike the one in the photo) but ew to the cat hair on the clean sheets. Nonetheless, the finished size also fits inside a pillowcase; I know some people love the packet idea. Happy folding!

I'm kind of a know-it-all

And I'm forever telling people, "Did you google it?" Like, for sure the answer is out there.

Here was my problem: every night since coming home from my trip, I have had a dream that my bed is in the middle of a large room with many other beds, and though it is the middle of the night in my dream, someone needs me to get out of my bed and go somewhere else. So I sleepwalk out of bed, and stumble around for a little while until I wake up, sometimes in my closet, sometimes facing the window, sometimes by my door. Then I open the door, go look at the kitchen clock (it is usually somewhere around 3 am) and then I tell myself it's a dream and I can get back in bed. Sometimes it happens more than once per night. But it has happened every night since December 30th.

I'm thinking there has to be an answer on some kind of dream interpretation website somewhere so I google it. Here's what I find (all [sic]):

Q: do these dreams mean ther is something wrong with me? i find myself constanly having these dreams where i get out of bed while im still asleep open my eyes and walk around my room. this is not a joke its really serious!

A: well, it's possible you could be having out of body experiences...
No, there is nothing wrong with you, and nothing wrong with your dreams....

So THAT'S it. Out of body experiences. Thanks!

And PS, there is something wrong with both of us. That's why we were ASKING.

Steve Young (and his Botox) tell it like it is

Mitt Romney receives a lot of criticism for his campaign's choice to stay quiet about the Church and its doctrines. Huckabee, on the other hand, doesn't mind screaming his evangelism at every turn, which gives him some momentum and has the added benefit of making Mitt Romney look even more stoic. After General Conference in October, and Elder Ballard's and Elder Holland's talks in particular, I think I at least understand Mitt's choice in part: he doesn't want to be a spokesman; he doesn't want his words to be taken as Church doctrine. I think he's well-spoken enough (or at least cryptic enough) that there's not really too much danger in him saying something really stupid, but then again, in a moment of confrontation or debate, it might be difficult to explain something that's hard to make clear even in an ideal environment.* And his little war with Huckabee (and the entire press corps, it seems) is definitely not an ideal environment.

In the drama of public perception, though, I think it's become a damaging choice. Huckabee's religion comes across as very personal; no doubt Mitt's personal testimony runs at least as deep as Huckabee's, yet nobody can see that. He's Mr. Corporate Politician, "not running as a Mormon," which might feel true to people ambivalent about the Church, but to the haters? I think neither persona is doing much good for people who already think Mormons aren't Christian like themselves.

It's not clear how the Church leaders feel about Mitt Romney downplaying his personal beliefs, either for the reasons I've already said, or for reasons of seeking broader Christian appeal. But I do appreciate that the Church PR department is responding in appropriate ways and trying to educate the public. I don't know how many people are listening, but this movie (download) is really helpful and narrated by Steve Young, which was a good choice, unfortunate outfit notwithstanding.



*Sweet mercy, now it's all over YouTube. Here's the exchange:

Natalie Jacobsen: "Should God speak to you, and ask you to do something that might be in conflict with your duties as president, or should He speak to your prophet who would speak to you, how would you make that decision, how would you handle that?"

Romney laughs and then replies, "Well, I don't recall God speaking to me. I, I don't recall God speaking to anyone since, uh, Moses and the [burning] bush, or perhaps some others, but, but I don't have that frequent of communication."

I'm reading things like "he must not be a good Mormon because if he was, he would believe that Joseph Smith talked to God and that He talks to Gordon B. Hinckley." True, but again, it seems like the "not running as a Mormon" choice - he can't win from either side. Politically, that answer is really dodgy - a way to bring it back to the Bible and general Christianity, away from specific Mormon doctrine but still qualify it at the end there ("perhaps some others"). As a Mormon whose faith is clearly on trial, though, it's a confusing answer at best, apostate at worst. If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt (and I do), it's a horrible position to be in - neither answer is satisfying to anyone. People who want the country run by God don't think a Mormon can take care of business in that regard, and people who don't want the country run by God definitely don't want a Mormon, even one who is trying to act all nonchalant about it. He must have known it would be bad, hence the party line, but this is hard to watch.

She's never been taught to do

I'm in post-holiday depression because I live in a constant state of this equation:

Desperate Love for my home in NC ÷ Wishing for more quality time with my family X hating the plane rides ÷ Where would I live and what would I do for a career ÷ it costs a lot of money to move = Serious case of ambiguity

Then I saw Junebug on Lifetime yesterday and this scene perfectly embodies the things I love about not just living in NC, but living in Chatham County, in this neighborhood, in this culture, something I didn't know I would come to love at all. The movie was filmed in Winston-Salem, but that Fellowship Hall could be in any one of these country churches 3 miles from my house and the people and the preacher capture this place with such vivid clarity, it takes my breath away.

[edit: rats, someone took down the video. It was probably copyrighted. I can't recommend that you rent the movie because it's rated R but if you ever catch it on Lifetime, you'll know the part.]

Eventually, I am going to have to make that choice - I will either sacrifice closeness with my niece and nephews or I will have to leave this home for a very unknown career and friendship trajectory. It feels big; I hope it will feel big until it doesn't, at which point I'll have to leave it behind.

Things that are awsome at Bunkey's car wash

1. Always a soap opera on tv
2. Bird houses for sale
3. Patio furniture in the waiting area
4. Christmas drawing for a 19" television
5. Weird cards for sale
6. Rich ladies with pantyhose under their jeans

Better than Word-a-Day Toilet Paper

Thanks to Bunny for the linky.

False Alarm

It's not a big secret that I have a rather extensive collection of nightgowns, mostly purchased at Wal-Mart. I often come home from work and spend the evening in one of them. Some are cuteish, most are pretty ugly. That will be important in a minute.

Tonight it's cold, right - we've gotten this pretty sudden swath of cold air from the north and it's not only colder than the average, but the temperature varies by like 30 degrees from when you go to work in the morning to the afternoon when the sun is at its brightest. So I'm not acclimatized to sudden winter yet and I get home tonight feeling tired and sick of everything, so I put on a super comfy outfit: longish pink striped nightgown with POCKETS that zips up and hits just below the knee (Germil has a matching blue one that I purchased for her after surgery - it's that kind of thing) ; really old cream flannel pajama bottoms that are a hair too short and kind of tapered in an unflattering way, and also have red flowers on them; blue fuzzy socks. My hair is out of its ponytail and has a million weird dents and I'm looking settled in for the night.

So I've just sprayed the tub with, like, Easy-Off Bam! and it's all very cat lady, and my cell phone rings - it's the alarm monitoring company, which is never good. Fortunately, it's always been a false alarm, but your reaction is never different despite that - instant panic, drop everything, grab the keys and hop in the car to see if D&A's house is on fire like I've just been told. And the thing I always forget about the fire alarm is that they will always send the Fire Department, because you don't want to risk it with fire, right? So I go wandering around, seeing and smelling no fires, call Robbie & Brian to come over and go behind me, and when I hear sirens in the distance? Yeah, it was for us. I don't need to tell you I wasn't wearing a bra.

Not one but two fire trucks show up, which, if the house had really been on fire, I don't think that the 20 minutes it took them to get here would have really done a whole lot of good. The one from about 6 miles away is volunteer, and the now 24-hour fully staffed one about 3 miles away was off in Carrboro, 15 miles away, fighting an actual fire. How embarrassing.

So 7 guys are standing around in the driveway while the chiefs from both departments check stuff out and realize, of course, it's a false alarm. We stand around the driveway a bit waiting for one dude to fill out the paperwork and the Chief starts chasing Cookie the cat, trying to pet her, since she's crying like crazy, hanging on my super ugly pant leg, looking for food. The cutest of the volunteer fireman says, "I was watching Grey's Anatomy" in that voice where you're meant to feel really bad - which, sorry, cute rednecky fireman - and I hope he has TiVo until I remember that GA is terrible this season and he should quit watching it anyway. And then Chief man starts talking about the garage in Carrboro that's burning down with cars inside and meanwhile I'm standing in the driveway at 9:30 at night in some seriously fugly loungewear, surrounded by country firemen and one whiny kitty.

In high school I would sometimes wear slippers and sweats to school, and I would pretend out loud that it was just for comfort but it was clearly for attention, because it's actually NOT comfortable to wear slippers all day - there's no arch support. The point is sometimes I pretend to be embarrassed for being "caught" in something tragic, because I have this secret little craving to be seen as kooky or crazy or like I just couldn't care less about how I look . . . this is not one of those times. I think I might still be blushing.

I don't really like talking about my flair

I meant to give credit to the person who created that gorgeous girl up there, which I found by searching for "illustration" at Flickr. I don't mean to be coy by reminding you of A Hundred Dresses, a book Mom got me a hundred years ago and which is about imaginary dresses but not really, but because I like to think about Eleanor Estes and how many dresses were in your closet meant then something like how many MySpace friends you have. My confession is that I am one of those adults who started using the internet in my twenties and thinks MySpace is full of pedophiles, and I honestly don't even know what happens on Facebook, even though I laugh knowingly along with the whole room when someone who's only, like 5 years younger makes a joke about it. I am also one of those adults who thinks that living in a universe where so many things that you own, drive, and carry matter in actual life and in a life that is completely text-, email-, and Second Life-based is terrifying in a way that is hard to explain, and which is probably only going to become bigger. Something about that book calms me a bit, so I raise my sad little blog to Eleanor Estes.

Things I Wonder About Instead of Going to Bed at a Decent Hour Even Though I Have a Migraine

1. Does Julianne still go to church? If so, why is she at Hyde and why on earth is she talking on the phone EVER to a gross actor?
2. How do all the starlets get their curls to stay intact? Mine wilt in no less than 2 hours. How much hairspray? What is the magic product? Do I have the wrong curling iron? Are all my hairs going to get cooked off trying to make it work?
3. Are all the LA girls wearing Lincoln Park After Dark on their nails or have they moved on from that and are now wearing something equally mysterious? Is it black? Is it purple? Is it blue?
4. How annoying is it that everyone famous has extensions?
5. Is Britney Spears really conscious or is she taking 13 anti-depressants whose side effects are simply wearing terrible clothing and driving around LA randomly buying weird stuff? And if she doesn't want the paps to be so in her face maybe she could just not drive around LA for a minute?
6. Why won't this migraine go away?
7. How gray is my hair going to be in 5 years and how can I stop it from happening?
8. Do all the normal, nice people I know who live alone do gross things like leave an empty pizza box from literally 3 weeks ago, possibly, on the kitchen table surrounded by myriad other pieces of whatever and say, out loud, "you are so gross" every time they look at it?
9. Seriously, what gives with this headache?
10. How much water does a person actually need during the day and is it true, like Diet Coke says it is, that Diet Coke counts for some of the water?
11. Is my new awesome bag a knockoff?
12. Why am I such an email pack rat? (Current inbox count: 6,029)
13. Am I going to pass out soon? Answer: Yes.

Night night.

Who knew?

Suddenly my family has become bloggers. This is good news. Heff asked for my answers to questions - I kind of love these surveys so we give it a try:

1. Best thing you cooked this last week
This question is weird, but mmmmm, annoying Giada's Shells with Crispy Pancetta and Spinach. You know you just heard her say pancetta with her stupid accent. But they were seriously good.

2. If money, time, and babysitting were no object where would you go?
Definitely France, probably start in Paris but then I'd go South for awhile. I'd spend at least 3 months there. Until I went to Montrèal, I would have been intimidated by the prospect, but now that I realize I can understand what's happening on my college French, I would want to re-learn how to speak. Dreamy.

3. When was the last time you cried?
How embarrassing, but during last week's Friday Night Lights during that gorgeous song playing when Street, Tim Riggins (love!) & Lyla were on the boat.

4. 5 things you were doing this month 10 years ago
Well, this is super depressing. I would like to change number 3 to right now.
(1) I would have been on my mission, in Bluffdale, (2) teaching children of polygamists, (3) living in a basement apartment with weird lion statues on either side of the walkway, (4) getting our Ford Escort stuck down a hill in the snow and tromping in our dresses to a neighbor's house to use the phone and call said polygamist to tow us out with his giant truck, (5) eating pot roast for dinner 7 out of 10 dinner appointments because Peterson's had it on a 2 for 1 special

5. 5 things on my to do list
Is that the existential or the random to do list? We choose random.
(1) Use my real passport and not just the printout fake passport that works for Canada
(2) Learn calligraphy
(3) File the billion papers on my desk
(4) Find a better way to save some money that makes some money
(5) Be more careful, e.g. stop stubbing my toes all the time and breaking things

6. 5 favorite snacks
(1) Diet Coke
(2) Cheetos
(3) Slightly dry Fresno oranges
(4) Peanut M&Ms
(5) Armadillo Grill queso

7. 5 bad habits
(1) Too much TV!
(2) Not filing the billion papers on my desk
(3) Speeding
(4) Sniffing my hair
(5) Clutter, everywhere

8. 5 favorite foods [right this minute]
(1) Armadillo Grill queso
(2) Bruegger's Bagels
(3) Rare steak
(4) Red Vines
(5) Popcorn

9. 5 places I've been [which have awesome bridges]
(1) Montrèal, Quèbec
(2) Trois-Rivières, Quèbec
(3) Portland, Oregon
(4) Linn Cove Viaduct, Blue Ridge Parkway, North Carolina
(5) Lake Ponchartrain, Louisiana

10. 5 favorite memories
(1) That time we went to the canyons somewhere with the Egans and us kids wandered around playing some kind of game where we hid from each other and were sneaky
(2) That time on a really muggy, cicada-filled summer night near Nauvoo, Illinois, driving out to North Carolina with Dad, as I waited for him in the car to check in to the Days' Inn, listening to "Jealous" by Sinead O'Connor on repeat, feeling terrified and excited that I was moving across the country and hoping (correctly, it turns out) that it might end up being really awesome
(3) That time when Louise Plummer said, "You're going to be a writer, right?" going up the stairs to her office in the JKHB
(4) That Christmas Eve where our family sang Stille Nacht, poorly, through lumpy throats, to Martha Lewalder in a sad hospital room
(5) That time when I found a cheap ticket to fly to Vegas the next day, (and had a super awesome boss who let me go) to be picked up by Em & Trav on their way to Fresno, to surprise everyone that I was coming home to see Neck, and Bean went into labor early with James so Em, Trav, Mom & I left Fresno toute de suite to drive to Utah and see that baby and we drove to LA on accident and stopped in St. George at a sicko Days' Inn and slept for very few hours, and Mom worried that Em & Trav were sharing a bed after only dating for a few weeks. Even though it was 2 am. And I think we slept in our clothes.

And PS, somewhere on that list would be your wedding, Bean & Heff, on the Groundhog Day that was the opposite of ugly, because it was the most peaceful and silent the Salt Lake Temple has ever been in my experience as a guest, and even though it was cold and leafless, it was happy and figuratively warm and hopeful in a way that feels different than Spring and Summer at Temple Square, because the grounds weren't perfect in that picturesque way, but they had a spare minimalism that was sort of like just the right amount of white space, if you see what I mean, like you could hear the wind and not the embarrassing wooing of the billion bridesmaids milling around, waiting for the doorways to open up for their sunny photos.

Archives all moved

And it is really humiliating.

It was you, breathless and torn

Thanks to SoapNet airing O.C. reruns I became reacquainted with an old song and WHAMMO! I was back in The Regency apartment 52 with 5 other girls listening to it on repeat and I almost couldn't breathe. Musically, there's not a lot going on: the guitar is just broken chords, sometimes minor, and the vocal stays within one octave and mostly repeats the same note, but the echo and white space make it hypnotic, and when you leave it on repeat, it's easy to miss where it ends and begins, like a circular daydream.

Not unlike then, my 19th and 20th years, today has been a repeat day and I can taste and smell and see everything in that place - the weird low-pile industrial carpeting, multi-colored Christmas lights in T's and my bedroom, the vaguely musty left bathroom with no shower, just a tub, the overly bright flourescent bulbs in the kitchen, making that boy frozen (frozen!) stir-fry with Yoshida sauce late one night and chatting with him about serious things like fiction and the gospel at the kitchen table, almost fainting because he called me Lis . . . I read a book recently where the main character, a woman in her 90s, was sent in and out of reveries throughout the narrative, and it occured to me that I have become not unlike an old woman, reliving parts of my twenties with no small amount of being overwhelmed and full of . . . regret? Maybe. Sometimes just fondness, wistfulness . . . sometimes plain joy. I'm not sure I'm old enough for that to be appropriate, but nonetheless, Mazzy Star starts her singing and I don't have any defense against it.

I have joined them

That is, the many people who gossip and talk self-deprecation on this, the far superior Blogger. I want Andrew & Diaryland to succeed, but they're kind of living in some early age of the internet over there, and there are excessive exclamation points, so here I land instead.

I'll migrate my archive over here eventually, but in the meantime, maybe the new, nicer interface will lead to more writing. We're hoping.