Bye bye, Shirl

There was this brief period of time in 1999 -- I think it was 4 months -- that is so very hazy that the other night when someone asked me how I knew Abby, who was my roommate in the inappropriately-named Applewood apartments (neither apples nor woods nearby) for said brief period of time, I completely forgot how Abby ended up living with me at the next apartment with peach walls and teal carpet. Abby says it was because I spent most of my time lying on my bed in a Wal-Mart flannel nightgown, which may or may not be true. Also, shut up because it was winter and I was cold. I hardly even remember sitting in that living room because the sofa was 1) totally ugly and 2) usually filled with Kim Perry and her best friend, Boy Drama.

My point is that we had no television, and now I think that's just crazy, which says a lot of things about how I live my life right now, none of which I really want to go into for fear of discovering that I totally still have that flannel nightgown and still wear it while watching television and while yelling at cats on the porch, all of which means something that can't possibly be too far away from pathetic, so let's leave it alone.

Because what I really meant to talk about was how I love to watch Laverne & Shirley reruns on Lifetime, which started because I have this vague sense of nostalgia about it, even though we rarely watched tv at home, and even if we did, I was so young when this ran, it seems like I only could have watched it with my mom. I asked her the other day if she watched it (thinking, duh, that it was actually on in the 60s) and she said no, which wasn't a surprise, seeing as how she never watched anything. So I don't really know where the nostalgia vibe is coming from, except maybe that it's all mixed up in my head because my mom, aka Marge, used to call her own mother Laverne. I also love pop culture about best friends, as I have almost always had a best friend, and only recently kind of don't anymore, owing to getting older and working out the co-dependence thing, and to said friends getting married to boys and having babies. So perhaps it is the best friend-craving area of my cerebellum that pulls me toward L&S.

Right now, we're up to the second-to-the-last season, and last week Shirley just up and got married to Walter, the army guy in the full-body cast, found out she was pregnant, and then left for somewhere overseas. This was all revealed in an episode in which Laverne comes home and finds all of Shirley's stuff gone and a mawkish note in its place. It turns out that Cindy Williams left the show because of her own pregnancy and I never knew it, despite the show being over for over 22 years. Now I guess the next episodes are going to be about Laverne's misadventures, which, all told, is the most unsatisfying ending I can think of. I feel kind of like I'm re-living the no-more-best-friend era all over again, and I'm having a very hard time accepting it. I can't wait until they get through these episodes and start the series over again. Maybe Laverne was always the more popular character, but it is a mystery to me why they let it go on after Shirley -- whom I loved the best -- left. She should have married Carmine, found out she was pregnant, and let it end there. I don't know why I wasn't consulted back in 1982. It's the most depressing thing.

In other news, I've decided that The Vanity Project is the most overblown, pretentious, inaccurate title that ever was, and so I'm going to change it just as soon as I can think of something else. Ugh.

I've become what I have mocked

Let me just say how weird I think it is that I have just searched for and viewed the wedding registries at both Tiffany's and Williams-Sonoma of Tori Spelling. As in, the bad actress from, let's be honest, a fabulous show. At Tiffany's, they've registered for about a billion crystal objects, like, who needs all those vases and bowls that people I know receive in abundance for their weddings, only they're always from Mikasa, of course, and bought from JC Penney or Hecht's on sale for $14.99 or less. According to the registries, the wedding wasn't supposed to happen until August 14th, but they moved it up to last weekend (which I learned from Eonline, a whole other level of embarrassing), and yet nearly everything on her extremely long registries -- including an $1800 espresso machine -- was completed. Her gift to the guests? "A special candle molded in the shape of a mini champagne bottle." Yo, Tori, Jennie Garth called and she wants her sterling silver memo pad holder back.

I really couldn't care less that Tori Spelling got married. I'm not a fan; I certainly haven't seen any of her movies, I loved 90210 despite her (and Steve), and I guess I am happy for her in a generic "oh good she found somebody" kind of way, but seeing her registry creeps me out a little, like I've become one of those kind of celebrity stalker people who go through stars' trash or, you know, read their registries because they're on the web and I can. Without looking too hard on the web, you can enter bizarro land with fansites and unmoderated forums with the most perplexing commentary. I was looking up Kate Bosworth movies on imdb, which is totally a useful source of information if you can't remember who's in a movie and whatnot, and some guy wrote this:

I cannot allow this anymore. She's a truly horrible person who thinks she's is better than everyone because she didn't struggle into acting (HER DADDY MADE A *beep* CALL). She's an harrowing actress who shouldn't be allowed to speak and move in front of a camera. She's hardly attractive either (NICE EYES DON'T MAKE UP FOR A RIDICUOSLY HUGE HEAD). I must say to all Kate fans take off the rose colored glasses, I understand many of you are too young and futile to understand that metaphor. Blue Crush was generaly a bad movie with beautiful lanscape and sets. Wonderland was CRAP. We'll just pretend WADWITH never happened (the world would be a better place).

Seriously, pick up a Kate Winslet or Charlize Theron film. They're not bad I promise and your brains won't fry if you try to be an intellectual human being. Stop looking just at the new releases go to the drama section. Stop picking up Freddie Prinze Jr. movies and pick up a Brad Renfro or Johnny Depp film (NOT POTC it's a very good movie but not his best go with Ed Scissor Hands).

Basically, GROW UP! There is better out there. It's there I promise

And all kinds of people responded to it, just because they can, I suppose, like this:

slayerscotty i may hate u cuz u hate orli but i totally agree with u about kate her movies r totally stupid i dont get y any1 gives her movie roles ya blue crush came out b4 she went out with orli but she just got even more famous when we all found out that they were dating so in short shes mostly famous bcuz of orli so that means that shes not really a good actor

Because, oh yeah, she loves Orlando Bloom and she likes to call him Orli. And I kind of hate to even give it voice again in the universe, but to think that I've bought into a small part of that crazy crazy worldview makes me kind of sick. The thing about these kinds forums, of course, is that presumably the stars themselves mostly stay far away from them and seem to pretty much share the consensus that the obsessions are a bit loony. But something like a gift registry? That's all personal and kind of intimate, frankly, and to read it makes me feel like just another kind of screwed-up public worshipper. I regret it for sure.